So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
