My friends, they love my intelligence
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
