I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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