I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
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I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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