I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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