She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
