If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
