why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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