im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
