Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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