i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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