she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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