you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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