Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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