I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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