The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
