He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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