mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
