I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
