I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
