my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
