so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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