As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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