yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
