I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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