I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
