There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
