Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
