So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My balls are so social today.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
