my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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