i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
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