my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
