saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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