Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
