I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
