help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
