Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
