The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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