i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
