Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
