we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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