I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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