Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
