Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
