yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
