what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
