you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
