I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
