According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
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