never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
