i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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