Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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