so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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