someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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