you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
