That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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