I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
