mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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