I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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