we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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