the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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