We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it's like heaven, but drunker
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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